by MaryBeth

When I lived in Alaska I had a dog.  Sky was half wolf and half husky and he was probably the smartest dumb dog I ever had.  He could play dumb better than Gracie Allen.  Oh for pete’s sake, she was an actress; how OLD am I?  Anyway this dog could make you think he was dumber than a box of rocks and then pull off a bakery heist like nobody’s business.  So this town I lived in was a tourist town and when the tourists started returning in the Spring, you’d have thought it was the Second Coming, the way the town spruced up and everyone put on their smiley face and pretended we all liked each other.  My friend Vicki lived right in the tourist district and she had a husky too, named Shay.  Shay was a beautiful little vixen and all the dogs in town loved her including Sky.  And when she came into heat they all loved her a little more.  Well one day Sky got away from me at my house, and I just knew where he was headed, so I high-tailed it down to Vicki’s, but a husky-wolf can definitely outrun a crazy woman who is trying to avoid another “Dog-At-Large” ticket and he did.  By the time I got to Vicki’s, there was a two dog love knot in the middle of the Main Street of the Tourist District.  Now some of you may not know the mating habits of the canine species, but take it from me, it is painful to witness.  Sure the first minute and a half are downright rapture, but the next 20 have got to make the poor fellow wish she had pulled the praying mantis bit and just bit his head off instead. So here is my dog and Shay, stopping traffic, going at it in front of all the cruise ship tourists on a lovely spring morning.  Once it starts, you can’t pry them apart for love or money.  Nature just has to take its course and that takes time. 

     So Vicki comes out on her front porch and sees what’s happening and we both know that the town policeman (and we were lucky to have one) was definitely not going to miss this and she could not afford another Dog-At-Large ticket either. (Alaska has dog issues that are a whole nother matter and they take them real serious.  We’d all rather have our hands slapped for drunk driving than deal with the Animal Enforcement Officer – who often doubles as the Town Coroner…)  So she says, “Let’s get them into my yard at least.”  Well you try moving two huskies who are stuck together tail to tail after the moment of truth.  It’s just like humans: all he wants to do is go to sleep but he can’t get away from her!  All he needs to do is just relax, but she keeps yanking him here and there to sniff stuff!  By now he’s at least 6 inches longer than he used to be, and it hurts, dag nabbit!  So he’s yelping, I’m pulling, Vicki’s pushing, and just as we get them in her yard, the police car arrives.

     “Ladies?”

     “Hi Joe.”

     “Problem?”

     “No Joe.”

     “Looks like Shay’s in heat.”

     “No, I don’t think so.”

     “Vicki, you know when Shay’s in heat you’ve got to keep her inside.”

     “I didn’t know she was in heat Joe.”

     “I’m writing you a ticket.”

     Now I can’t take it anymore, so I have to pipe up.

     “So you’re writing Vicki a ticket?  For what?”

     “Unrestrained dog-in-heat.”

     “Her dog’s in her yard.”

     “Doesn’t matter.  The males can’t help themselves.  Then we have dogs running all over town.”

     “So my dog gets away from me, runs down the middle of Main Street, jumps poor little Shay and she gets the ticket?”

     “Do you want a ticket?”  Silence.  “OK then.”  At this point the two dogs are trying anything and everything to separate, Shay is rolling on the ground, Sky’s manhood is being stretched to lengths that have got to require surgery and there is quite a crowd of Alaska Tourists gathered enjoying the show.  Pretty soon Jerry shows up.

     “Hey Jerry.”

     “Joe.”

     “What’s up?”

     “Getting a picture for the paper.”

     “Hold on, let me get my good side.”

     So the paper the following day was a nice picture of the town lawman writing two ladies a ticket in front of two huskies with their butts stuck together, and the only one smiling was Officer Joe.